Steven Colbert Doesn't Exist

Satire from Proxy Tallywacker

7 April 2014

Sorry but he doesn't. No more than I do. He's a puppet, a character, like me. 
Granted he lacks strings, but he's basically a puppet. As it turns out, his
puppeteer has the same name he does. But if Max renamed himself Pencil Shavings,
that wouldn't make Pencil as real as Max. Or any more or less real than the
Stephen Colbert character you watch on television. 

Maybe it'd make Max less real than he is now. I can't say. But I can say it
wouldn't make Pencil any more real.

But anyway back to Stephen Colbert. The Colbert you all know, watch on TV, and
react to is a character, made to ridicule opinion commentators on cable news. He's
a puppet.

Is this news to anyone? I hope not to most. I think it's been pretty
well-documented, and the puppeteer has sometimes struggled how to separate himself
more completely and more obviously from the puppet. (Unlike Max and Pencil
Shavings, who at this point are inseparable. Oh, sorry, did I give too much away?)
If you don't believe me about Stephen Colbert not being real, check here.

wherein his puppeteer reveals that he tells the puppet's guests the following before
an appearance on the puppet show: “My character's an idiot. Your job is to set him
straight.”

Well apparently it's news to CNN commentator Aaron Schiller, who was offended by
something Colbert the puppet said about Asians, on Twitter. Specifically, in a
Twitter message, the Colbert character said something offensive about Asians, in
support of the owner of the Washington Redskins sports team, for not changing the
name of that team from a racial slur. (Sports...A strange concept to us puppets. 
Race, we get. War, gangs, stuff like that, sure! But sports?)

Mr. Schiller author has demanded that Colbert apologize. Colbert the puppet
wouldn't apologize. His own puppeteer has pointed out that the puppet is an idiot! 
I think Mr. Schiller might know that and and is talking about the puppeteer.

But, if Colbert the puppeteer apologizes, who would he be apologizing to? Would he
be apologizing to Asians? I submit not. How would he be? Think about it. He's
making fun of a racial slur that's out in the open. He's saying “see it's like
this.”

I think if the puppeteer Colbert apologized, be apologizing to the person Colbert
the puppet is making fun of. He'd in effect be saying “I know you all aren't that
bad. You wouldn't say something like this.” He'd be apologizing to Glenn Beck, to
Ann Coulter, to Bill O'Reilly, to Fox News and everyone on it. He'd be apologizing
to the folks who own a sports team that's named after a racial slur.

And, frankly, they don't deserve the apology. They are what they are. They are
unrepentant about it. The Hell with them.

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